No Shoes No Pants No Service
I know the dorm is supposed to be our “home” while we’re in school, but as far as I’m concerned this is a public place with a public bathroom. I hate wearing shoes and socks, but under no circumstances would you ever find me in the bathroom of a Denny’s barefoot. I literally just shivered with disgust as I wrote that. Logically, the Dirty factor of the public dorm bathroom would exclude it from barefoot trips, but for at least two different people who live on my floor this is not the case. I cannot express how much that makes my skin crawl. Do people really not mind that they are accumulating outdoor debris, hair, and unidentified liquids on the soles of their feet, and subsequently tracking that hellish mixture back into their living spaces? I have to stop writing about this before I whip out my Clorox wipes and apply them to my skin.
Let me be clear, however, that this is not the strangest thing I have ever seen in the second floor women’s bathroom. One night when I had been up late studying, I went to get ready for bed around one in the morning. I heard a card in the key reader, the code punched in, the door opening, and as usual didn’t pay too much attention to who walked in… until, out of my peripheral vision, I saw a girl three sinks away wearing a camisole, underwear, and Ugg boots. That was it. Just underwear. Really? This doesn’t bother you? The girl came in, washed her hands and left. In her underwear. No explanation. And you know what, I don’t really want to know.
Public Service Announcement
LADIES:
BLUSH IS SUPPOSED TO LOOK NATURAL.
It should not be neon pink. This color does not occur on faces in nature.
It should not be any shade that was designed for people with a different complexion than you. This does not make you look tanner, it accentuates your paleness.
It should not look like you broke your straightener in half and applied the hot side to both cheeks, searing two dark red stripes diagonally across your face. Nobody blushes in a rectangular pattern.
If you are unsure whether these criteria apply to you, try applying your makeup with the lights on. That is all.
Top 10 Christmas Albums I Do Not Want to Hear This Season
Let me preface this by saying I am a bona fide Grinch in human form who hates Christmas music. In the Chicago area it begins the day after Thanksgiving on 93.9 (“The Lite”), and I reprogram FM Preset #4 in my car accordingly. I do my Christmas shopping early in hopes that I will not hear “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” (I don’t see a tree, therefore all rocking should be postponed), “Do You Hear What I Hear?” (if you mean the sound of people screaming as I break the hand that holds the next Christmas CD to be placed in rotation, then yes), or “Here Comes Santa Claus” (should someone call the cops?). While I find most Christmas music intolerable, these ten albums are by far the most heinous seasonal recordings I could find. Enjoy.
Josh Groban has a good voice, I’ll give him that. But because I am not a middle-aged woman with a thing for boyish looks, I fail to be moved. Get that out of the CD player.
9. David Archuleta- “Christmas From the Heart”
I am only vaguely aware of David Archuleta, but isn’t he like twelve years old? Your career has just begun, kid. Mom and dad can buy you food if you can’t sell your music. Wait to release the Christmas album until you really need the money (or until your voice changes, whichever comes first). This album can only be considered worth owning by the pre-teen Disney Channel set.
8. Mariah Carey- “Merry Christmas”
Can we just talk about how sexual the picture on the album cover is? I know it’s her trademark, but I can’t reconcile the skin-tight bodysuit with “Silent Night.” Nice try.
7. Slow Jams Christmas, Vol. 1
Okay, I’m not gonna lie. I actually want to own this CD because it is so gloriously 90s. I’ll make one exception and one exception only.
6. Jimmy Buffet- “Christmas Island”
Jimmy Buffet’s island sounds will not make me feel any better about being stuck in the house because it’s 30 degrees and sleeting. The only potential redeeming factor here is the possibility that he’ll be so drunk you can’t understand the words to any of the songs.
5. Cedarmont Kids- “Christmas Favorites”
Children singing is not okay. Ever. It is creepy and annoying. This CD should come with a warning that it may drive the listener to homicide.
4. “A Christmas Gift for You from Phil Spector”
Oh Phil, you shouldn’t have. This isn’t, by chance, going to include second degree murder? Because really, that would just be too much, you old softie.
3. Bob Dylan- “Christmas in the Heart”
Bob Dylan: you sound like shit. No one even wants to hear you sing Like A Rolling Stone. Butchering Christmas songs is a step lower than I thought you would go.
2. “Mary Did You Know?: 17 Inspirational Christmas Songs From Today’s Top Country Artists”
Do I even need to say anything about this hellish merging of the two lowliest forms of American music?
Now as a kid, I loved Raffi… before I realized just how creepy he was. I’m not sure whether this CD is targeted at kids or adults, but it features his song “A Child’s Gift of Love.” Just to be on the safe side, don’t invite him to your Christmas party.
That’s that, people. Call me a Scrooge, but the next time you’re awake at 3 o’clock in the morning because you can’t stop singing “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year,” don’t complain to me.
Winter Fashion Statements
Has the population of the University of Michigan not noticed that it’s December 9, 2009 and currently 29 degrees Fahrenheit? I mean one would assume that at this point there is no need to check the weather in the morning… it’s COLD. No? My bad, I must just be crazy. Obviously, shorts are perfectly acceptable at this time of year (or at least that’s what males on this campus have been told.) Flats without socks are also a great choice when it’s SNOWING. Who doesn’t like frostbite? Then you only have to paint your fingers purple and you can look hawt all weekend! ;D
Seriously though, don’t even try to pretend. Don’t lie. Everyone knows you are not as nonchalant as you seem, standing at the bus stop for 15 minutes in a t-shirt. What is the purpose of going out all day in weather-inappropriate attire? You’re wearing basketball shorts. This is not exactly a haute couture fashion statement. Put on some pants and stop trying to pretend you’re a badass for not needing a coat.
If I have learned anything at college it is to quit caring what I look like and put on as many layers as possible. Looking like a marshmallow? No problem. Two hats at once? Sign me up. Long johns? I own four pair, baby. Even with several lines of defense I am still cold when I walk outside after sitting in class for an hour or more. For God’s sake, listen to your mothers and put on some winter clothes.
Hungry Like the Wolf
This afternoon I was in the cafeteria and I witnessed the following: a college-age boy, sitting at a table with a salad plate of lettuce, eating each leaf one by one… with his hands. When the leaves were too big, he let the excess hang from his mouth, munching up the leaf handsfree like a rodent. And it gets better. During this process he periodically made conversation with the couple sitting next to him. Clearly, he was not ashamed.
There are a few questions I want to ask, like Did you really want to eat an entire plate of plain lettuce?, How did you eat all your other food with utensils but forget to use a fork for your salad?, and Do you do this at home? What I really want to know is, Where are the parents? This behavior must have been previously sanctioned (directly or indirectly) for a male of 18-22 to exhibit it publicly, in the presence of peers he knows. But hey, maybe he’s a theater major and he was just trying to stay in character… of a bunny. Alright, let’s be honest, the likelihood of that is zero, but at least I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, right?
The worst part about this is that there is no good way to call someone out in this situation. You will always look like the bad person, even though everyone present is watching and freaking out about it just like you are. I can just see this kid at a business luncheon, on a date, inviting his professor to the cafeteria… the best the other person can do is ignore it and hope it goes away. It seems like so many socially unacceptable activities share this characteristic. I think we should create a volunteer militia of people to be present in restaurants, cafeterias, classrooms, patrolling the streets, etc. for the sole purpose of correcting social transgressions such as this. I haven’t decided whether they should have weapons yet. Maybe just billy clubs.
Really?
I was walking down the street as a bunch of students were also getting out of class the other day. I passed a guy who was taking his phone out of his pocket. I was within earshot of this person just long enough to hear him answer the phone:
“yo Yo YO!”
“yo Yo YO!”, like he was a character on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. He wasn’t kidding. He didn’t laugh. This is how he answers his phone. “yo Yo YO!”, crescendoing with each consecutive ‘yo’ until maximum volume is reached. I mean, can I give you a hand out of the 90s? When did you decide this was going to be how you answer your phone? I should also mention this guy was white, not that being some other ethnicity would make this any more acceptable. But being white and saying “yo Yo YO!” seriously in public just makes everyone cringe a little bit more. I would even take “hey girl hey” over “yo Yo YO!” Maybe it’s the incremental increase in intensity as you move from Yo #1 to Yo #3 that makes it so obnoxious. Almost everything else can be toned down to Waiting Room Phone Voice level. “Hey.” “What’s up?” “Ahoy!” can all be said in a whisper. But if you’re going to say “yo Yo YO!” you have to do it with feeling. I just wonder if this guy is still going to be answering the phone like that when he’s 35.
Scrooges Abound, and it’s Not Even Christmas
This is a short anecdote, but don’t mistake less ranting for less anger. I have to write a paper. But I’m pissed.
I was walking down the street when I happened to think of something funny. I was chuckling to myself while looking around, so it probably looked like I was grinning at people. No big deal, I do it all the time. This girl and guy pass by me and (as I’m smiling) I take a look at the girl, then do a double take just to get a better look at her face. I don’t know why I did it. Sometimes you just look at people twice.
Apparently this crossed the line, because the girl looked right at me, narrowed her eyes and, physically recoiling from me as we passed each other, said “Why are you smiling at me?” With venom, might I add. Like smiling was the equivalent of wiggling my eyebrows salaciously at her. I mean Jesus Christ, can’t you at least wait until after Thanksgiving to bust out the Scrooginess? I wonder what she would have done if I’d said hello? Maybe push me into oncoming traffic!
So am I supposed to start frowning at other people or something? Is this the custom now? If I’m feeling extra exuberant should I replace ‘Hi there!’ with flipping someone off? If you’re in a car should you mow down the pedestrians instead of waving them on? I know of at least one person who could answer these questions, but she’s busy sitting in her cold dark apartment counting her gold tonight.
A Word About Personal Hygiene
It’s time someone said this. Clearly, we are not all on the same page.
If I can smell your B.O., YOU can also smell your B.O.
If I can smell your B.O. after you have left the vicinity, YOU can also smell your B.O.
If you can fill a room with your B.O., YOU can also smell your B.O.
Let’s just stop pretending. Why continue to do this dance? Whenever someone has B.O., it’s not socially acceptable to say something. The offender acts normal and the people around just try to breathe as shallowly as possible. Now if it was a one-time thing, I mean, I’d let it go. But if it’s happening every day you are just neglecting hygiene on purpose. Unless you live on the street, live below the poverty line, or currently live in a war-torn third-world country, there is no excuse for B.O. on a normal basis. I’m not saying being poor is an excuse for B.O., I’m saying that if you can afford deodorant and you just aren’t using it, you are committing a crime against humanity. There is nothing like sitting in a 9am breathing through my mouth for an hour and a half because you are lazy and disgusting.
And another thing: when someone around you has B.O., you cannot help but think it’s you. Then you become paranoid even after leaving the area that you are the one trailing B.O. behind you wherever you go, like some kind of sick invisible twirling ribbon. So not only have you inflicted your B.O. on me, you have also messed with my head for the rest of the day.
I thought showering daily and putting on clean clothes was standard, but apparently not. For those of you who have the balls to walk out in public every morning with B.O. that could stun a moose, I want you to know that I’m watching you. I know who you are. And so does everyone else.
I Can’t Breathe.
This morning I woke up and had a nice warm shower. I got dressed, slipped on my Birkenstocks, and shuffled across campus to my first class. I have a nice long break in the middle of my day, so I returned to my room and opened the window (as I do every morning to air out the place while I’m gone). Immediately, the room was filled with the glorious fumes of hipsters’ cigarettes wafting up from the courtyard below. Now I, personally, choose not to smoke. Some of you may choose to smoke, and that is none of my business. But sometimes, you make it my business:
- When I am walking behind you and you let your cigarette hand hang fashionably at your side, pointing the end that’s on fire, which is producing plumes of smoke like an oil refinery, in my direction.
- When you stand under my window smoking and subsequently scatter cigarette butts at the entrance to the building like you were throwing a surprise party for Joe Camel.
- When I have to listen to you hacking out the phlegm in your throat and spitting,
- and when I have to smell the rancid stale smoke on your jacket sitting next to you in lecture.
- (Particularly for those of you who like to smoke something other than cigarettes) When I wake up to the police banging on your door at three in the morning because you decided it was inconvenient for you to go outside to smoke.
- When, seemingly in order to avoid breathing your own secondhand smoke (because if you’re already smoking cigarettes, avoiding secondhand smoke makes it better?), you turn your head to the side to exhale, forcing me to walk through your cancer cloud.
- When your creepy-ass boyfriend asks me for a light.
- When I wake up with red, itchy eyes, congestion and have a sneeze attack for 20 minutes because I thought it might be nice to breathe fresh air while I sleep.
Why do people do this? What is the appeal? First of all, eight months out of the year, the weather is not even conducive to smoking. As a good friend of mine once said, observing a girl smoking on a humid 86-degree day in Chicago, “That’s just what I want when it’s 80 degrees out– a stick of fire in my mouth.” And when the windchill is -11 here I sure as hell won’t be standing outside any longer than necessary. Also, I would love to know how much money you’re spending on this. Maybe if you kick the habit you can take me to Sardi’s for lunch next week.
There is no excuse for anyone from our generation to be smoking cigarettes. At all. How many of us had a grandparent who died of lung cancer? Who had emphysema? Who had to carry around an oxygen tank? We’re educated about the dangers and yet generation after generation you get people doing the things that killed their parents, and their parents’ parents.
Excuse me, I would finish this post but I have to go close my window.
OMG have you seen…
I feel it’s high time to address what I view as a serious social faux pas: joint youtube video viewing. This is because, in this situation, ‘joint’ never means ‘together, with mutual enjoyment’ but rather, ‘one person imprisoning another in front of a MacBook to watch “this awesome video someone sent me”‘.
Number one, it’s obnoxious: the imprisoning of your friends as well as inflicting the sound of strange raps and non-PC sketch comedy on the ears of strangers.
Number two, when I’m hanging out with someone, I generally like to do really archaic things like… okay I don’t know if you guys are going to know what I’m talking about, but… making conversation. Anyone? Anyone? God, I’m so 90s.
It is also worth nothing that youtube videos are rarely funny when viewed as group. Let’s keep teh internetz* on teh internetz, people. Send me a link on Facebook, let me watch it at three in the morning in the privacy of my own home, laugh hysterically and leave you a comment to tell you how much I lawled**. Don’t make me stand awkwardly next to you and keep my head at a 20 degree angle to my shoulder for three minutes in the middle of the library to watch a bad parking video. The only way you could make this worse (and, unfortunately, you do) is by clicking through to the related video, exclaiming “Oh my God, wait, no, you HAVE to see this one, last one, I promise!” This translates to two things:
1. It will be less funny than the first video, which on a scale of 1 to 10 was a .3
2. This is NOT going to be the last video
The one and only time in which ‘joint’ youtube viewing is socially acceptable is if you will be simultaneously Rickrolling*** three or more people. In this situation, your ninja Rickroll skills deserve respect and admiration.
– *the “global system of interconnected computer networks” commonly referred to as “the internet.” (en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Internet). **expressed mirth aloud ***deceiving friends and strangers in the vicinity with the promise of an excellent video and instead playing the music video for Rick Astley’s 1987 hit “Never Gonna Give You Up”
